Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
All I want is dick and wine.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
