i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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