I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
