i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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