I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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