Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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