I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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