I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
