The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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