why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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