What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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