Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
