so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
