Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We named our party play list daddy issues
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
