Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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