ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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