Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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