after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
