He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
