How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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