ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
