fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just threw up on my dentist
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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