I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
