i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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