we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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