mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
