Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
