The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
