my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
