Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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