my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
