I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
