Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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