1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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