Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
