Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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