Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
