i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
