Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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