i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
