she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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