I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
