this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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