currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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