You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
