Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
