I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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