soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
