Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
