I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
