New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
