Someone shit on the floor
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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